I could have chosen the words, “I love you” “I’m sorry” “Thank you” but all that came out was “Please stay”. I guess there are days you can’t forget. Mine is the day I claim to be the most selfish daughter I can be.
I never realized how immense my fear of being alone is when my mom was rushed to the hospital. It’s the kind of terror that you can actually feel the pain inside your chest seeing your mother having a hard time and it just breaks your heart. I was very self-assured that I enjoy being alone before that happened; that I was so happy dealing with so much “me” time. Then, life hits you with reality. I must say, it hits hard. So hard you think you can get numb. You wake up every day hoping this pain and suffering will stop; hoping that things will get better but it doesn’t. The darkness is getting bigger and bigger and you know the end will soon come and it won’t be the way you imagine it to be. You get closer to whatever it is to come that you can’t stop and the fear consumes you. You are yet to be in the lowest but you still fight although you know you can never win. Because fear plus overthinking is a one hit combo in the gut, chest, heart, mind, soul and anywhere you can possibly hurt.
One day you’re all happy then one day you’re on your mom’s deathbed begging for her to stay. I never thought I could plead for my mom to stay and be selfish just because of a nightmare that I might live when she’s gone. It’s also a fight within you because you don’t know whether you’re doing this because you’ve been too comfortable with being alone that you’re choosing this someone out of love or out of fear. I have never been aware of how much harder it is for her to leave. Never been conscious of how much pain she’s going through. And it’s when she looks at you and just smile that you know there are people, feelings and things that you can’t physically keep forever; that letting go could also mean love.
Then there’s the aftermath…
The every first “without you” moments
The “you’re supposed to be here” moments
The “once-in-a-lifetime” moments
The moments when all you desire is her hug
I just miss you, Ma. It’s been a year. The first birthday I ever had without you has been okay. Maybe because I thought I can actually fool myself that it wasn’t real; that you’re still here, that when I wake up I can still see you in our dining table having your morning coffee and will be ranting about my hair. But doing that for a year, I think I have developed another fear, Ma. Fear that I might forget. I don’t want to get used to this, to not have you around. I don’t want not to remember. You’re still my sanctuary. I love you, Ma. Don’t stop visiting my dreams.
Ang kadiri ko lang magblog hahaha! So cheeeessssyy and and and baduuuuy.
Anyway, I’m feeling happy and cheeky today kasi I’m expecting money money money. HAHAHAHA! #dukhadaysareover
Hey there, Eiram. It’s been two years and six months since we started what we believe (and still do) is something beautiful and crazy. And I’m thinking now is not the time to stop and give up. I thought having to be with you this long would make things easier for us. Mali pala ko. I keep on judging things through time only to realize that I can’t judge ours through time because we try to live by now. Madaming beses talaga na naiisip ko dadali na lang as time goes by. Hindi pala. Habang tumatagal lalong humihirap. You try harder every day and you don’t give up kasi alam mo kung anong gusto mo in the end. It’s always a choice. Hindi sa tanong na kung kakayanin ko ba na ako na lang. Pero yung sa tanong na kung gusto ko ba na ako na lang. Yun lang and I already have my answer. It doesn’t matter if you do everything wrong and don’t follow all the rules in a relationship, I’ll still love you. I’ve chosen to love you. I’ve chosen to be committed to you despite what ifs that I can come up with. I’ve chosen to love you. And when we’re holding each other’s hands, seeing those two hands clasped together, I keep thinking to myself that I have the right choice in my hands.
This is kabaduayan and insanity at its finest! Pero ano e, pag nagmamahal, baduy talaga. What can I do. HAHA. And this is a day earlier kasi brain works fine today :>